Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm not fat!

Hello my friends! It is I Herb-B!

Mom says we are going to be having a talk about exercise. She wants me to lose a little weight, maybe she should lose a little weight? I don't think it was me slurping down on the Ben and Jerry's last night. I certainly have not heard any complaints from my lady friend Chelsea about how much I weigh, she says every pound of me is devastatingly sexy! If mom wants to talk about exercise she can talk to my paw!

My dumb brothers were very excited about this new "exercise" regimen mom even got us all muscle tees - RIDICULOUS!!

When mom takes me to the park I attract the attention of all the ladies, especially retrievers, Lab's, Golden's, Chesapeake's they love me! I can hear them whispering from behind the fence. They are saying "look at that Herb-B, he is such a stud". In fact I am so handsome that I have been known to bring a full grown Golden Retriever to the down position just to be closer to me. Mom claims that, that particular dog was responding to a command from her mom of "gentle with the baby". Whatever!

Mom is clearly mistaking muscle for fat, I am a rippling ball of ferocious SEXY. Just look at my pictures - NEED I SAY MORE?

Last week we were at the park and I was barking at a dog outside the gate. Mom walked over and picked me up; this is a truly embarrassing habit that she has picked up by the way. Hasn't she read the Chihuahua training guides - do not hold me close to your face it will increase my need for dominance! Besides, you don't see moms at the big dog park picking up their greyhounds or their Chows; sometimes she picks me up and kisses me - so humiliating. Don't even get me started on the time mom washed me in the water-fountain at the dog beach, in front of about four boy Pit-bulls - RIDICULOUS! Anyway mom picked me up and a lady sitting on one of the benches started laughing and said "Oh he's a boy!". (A man actually, you silly woman, go chase a ball)! Of course I am a boy, had they come over and smelled me they would have known that. Her friend started laughing as well. Mom said "I know his collar has fur in it because his skin is sensitive, it makes him look like a girl". Again, I am going to be talking with mom about the collar! "No, no that's not it" the lady said and then she pointed at her friend, "She thought he was pregnant" and then they both laughed again.

WHAT? Pregnant! I immediately began flexing my two muscles (the ones in my back near my neck, they are amazing). I curled my lip and growled at these two fools! I am all man, ALL MAN! I told mom to put me down so I could go and lift my leg to pee on them, show them who is boy! Mom pretended that she wasn't afraid of me but I know that inside she was shaking like Rampage when I chase him.

When we got home from the park mom said that not only was I going to be sticking with my diet but that I was also going to be doing more exercise! NO WAY! Mom can exercise all she wants, but not Herb-B! I walk when I want to walk. I pee when I want to pee (or whenever mom opens the back door to let me out). I play when I want to play (although I will say that since mom keeps the toy box on a high shelf this makes this task more difficult). Mom says this is not up for discussion. We will see what is up for discussion when I vomit in her shoes tonight!

I am not fat! I am not going to exercise! Mom can stick it!

Have a wonderful day all of my friends!
Herb-B (aka Just More of Me To Love)

Friday, August 14, 2009

Hello My Friends!

My name is Herb-B and I am a ferocious, no-nonsense, kind of guy! I weigh in at an impressive 11 pounds, my mom says that six of those pounds are comprised of fat but my mom has no idea what kind of power I actually poses. I am eleven pounds of terrifying, viscous, crazy, powerful brown Chihuahua! That is correct CHIHUAHUA.

You may think you know Chihuahua's, cute cuddly little balls of fur hidden in their mommies purses, sleeping in fur lined beds, prancing about the park in diamond studded collars. Well YOU DO NOT KNOW ME!

I have never worn a diamond collar (mom and I are currently in talks regarding the furry one I am adorned with at the present time). I do have a furry bed but the joke is on you because I almost never sleep in it, I sleep with mom right by her head and I certainly do not hide in my mommies purse. If anything I boldly extend my head out to the world, I am Herb-B master of my pack, ruler of my home, the first to eat, and the last to poop!

I am known on the street as "Big Sexy" "Thug Life" and "O-Cho". My lady friend is a Mastiff-Lab mix, and she knows that I do have a tender side, but all others quiver when I approach.

At home I am the leader of my pack (they are a totally lame pack to be in charge of but I am in charge non-the less).

I came to have the roll of pack leader when my older brother Hugh the Dog the mighty and giant Lab who led us all with power and dignity passed away. I took on the roll of pack leader and I hope that everyday I make Hugh the Dog proud.

Henry Ford, he is the oldest member. He was once a mighty Chihuahua but now sometimes he forgets things, mom says he is kind of like a grandpa who sometimes showers with his underpants on. None the less I protect Henry Ford as though he was my own father and I give him the respect any 14 year old dog deserves.

Hooper is the youngest member of my pack and has only recently joined us. Formally a fighting dog Hooper is just a touch, how should I say, "fruity". Mainly he just runs around and cries and chews on toys. He is not the smartest of Chihuahua's but what he lacks in brains he makes up for in undying loyalty to me!

Finally there is Rampage. I would rather not tell you about him (he is not a chihuahua at all but some kind of mid sized mixed breed mutt). If it were up to me I would toss Rampage out but Hugh the Dog loved him, I have no idea why. He isn't very smart and he is forever getting us all into trouble. I have had numerous talks with mom about sending him to Alabama where we have "family" but currently he continues to live with us (I plan on peeing on him later tonight).

I have much to tell you my friends. Every day of my life is a grand adventure. I would tell you all about it right now in fact but first I have to poop.

Herb-B (aka Leader of the Pack)